How would you react or what would you think..

BF and I were at a wedding on Saturday. One of his old friends was there who now lives out of state. She is a girl that I have read some text messages between the two of them and felt a little uneasy about..

He went over and said hello to her. No big deal. They were/are friends and they haven't spoken in a while. Whatever.

Then he kept getting and sending text messages the whole time we were at the wedding. Said that his buddy Dave kept texting him.. The next day I find out that him and her had been sending text messages the entire time we were at the wedding. All while we were in the same room. Starting from before we even got to the wedding.

He says I am crazy for feeling the way I do and that they were simply texting about a mutual friend that was suppose to show up to the wedding. To make a long story short, he and I haven't spoken or seen each other since Sunday. This situation just rubbed me the wrong way.

What do you think? Am I over reacting?

I met a girl a few months ago... we got really close and things didnt go the way i wanted at that time. She was super attached but only wanted to stay friends since she did not have that ''butterfly'' feeling. I couldnt handle just being friends so at some point i decided to just cut things out so i went on with the no contact rule.

A few weeks later, she sees me at a club. By respect i say hi and give her kisses and then suddenly she congratulates me for the new GF at the time ( i was dating a girl that hated her). I was very cold to her that night because i didnt want to feel anything for her.

This week end, she sees me while she is with her friends... i was very cool with her friend since she dates one of my good friends but i was still cold with her. A few minutes after they left, i got a txt from a random number saying : I miss you. This random number was finally hers... (i didnt awnser to it)

What should i do ? i really know i cant be just friend with her. We never had sex but we had some very intimate and intense moment twice and i always had a feeling that she had something for me but she just couldn't admit it to herself. I really still do like her and i know deep inside me i would want to have her but i know i cant put up with the staying friends thing..

hi i just need some help with this im not really good with relationships as i seem to just destroy everything i touch through being to clingy and over anxious and jump into things too fast with saying i love you after 4 days.

Well here is my issue ive grown up with this guy and when he moved i moved and i hadnt seen him for 10 yrs and we finally found each other again and we talked and spoke about finding a girl for life and getting married so i went and spend 4 days with him and we had the best time ever.


loved each others company and when i got back i was unsure where we were at because we never spoke about it while i was there so i asked him if we were in a relationship and he said no because he dosent want anyone to get hurt down the track but he made it quite clear before i seen him that this was for real and then he wants to just have thiings casual and then i told him i loved him as i have been told thats a big no! no!


so i have no idea whats going on what i have done or how to fix this because i really really like him can anyone please give me advice on this

Ive been with my partner for the past 3 years and we have an incredible connection. he is like my twin.... I am 19 and he is 27..
we were best friends for years before we got into a relationship and we know each other inside out...
but when we first got together,
I moved in with him and his father and then is father got cancer and got very ill very quickly so omar and I cared for him for 8 months alone until he died.
It was an extremely intense time in which we clung to each other desperatly for support. his father died almost a year and a half ago and we've continued to be very supportive or each other and intensely close ever since spending virtualy no time apart.

the problem is that i myself am going through huge life changes at the moment and feel as though i have so much to explore and discover being only 19 and so I feel that we need a little more space in our relationship now because we have the freedom to do our own things a bit more.

But when ever I leave omar, even for just one night, I have very frightening panic attacks and cant breath and will be shaking and sweating and extremely fearful and frightened for not really any apparent reason and then I always end up having to phone him wherever I am and he comes and gets me....

These panic attacks are very real and very frightening!
I guess I have things to work through on my own but its very difficult that whenever we are apart this happens and i so which i could function better independantly and that this didnt happen. it makes me feel so weak and insecure and fragile.
I guess I am a little embarressed about it too because it makes me feel so childish,
which makes it hard to talk to people,

I would really appreciate anyones guidance...

The sexual health of a person is very important, if a person is to enjoy sex. Many a times the person knows that his sexual health is not at its peak but doesn’t really know what to do about it. If you want to enjoy sex, it’s important that you know about the various aspects of sexual health.

What is the PC muscle?

PC or pubococcygeus muscle is found in both males and females. It has a hammock like shape and forms the floor of the pelvic cavity. It extends from the pubic bone to the coccyx (tail bone), and is a part of the group of muscles known as levator ani. The function of the PC muscles is to control the flow of urine and also contract during an orgasm. The optimum functioning of the PC muscle is essential for helping in urinary control and in women during childbirth. If a person has a strong PC muscle that is functioning to optimum capacity then the person does not face problems like urinary incontinence. Also problems like the proper positioning of the head of the baby during child birth reduce appreciably.

What is the G-Spot?

The G-Spot or the Grafenberg Spot is a term that is used to describe an erogenous zone in the vagina. There is a debate raging amongst health experts whether the G-spot actually exists or not. Supporters of the G-spot and these are way more than the naysayers, claim that the stimulation of the G-spot leads to very high levels of sexual arousal, which in turn leads to very powerful orgasms. No one can claim with any bit of certainty whether something like the G-Spot really exists, but many women vouch for this spot with certainty. The supposed location of the G-Spot is a few inches (1-3) on the anterior wall of the vagina.

Last longer in bed - Various tips to make it happen

Most men want to last longer in bed. It’s not about an all-night marathon, but about spending enough time between the sheets to enjoy sex to the utmost. There are various tips to make it happen:

- Changing positions

It’s about making sex interesting. Don’t stick to the same position throughout the duration of sexual intercourse. You could start off with a position that you are comfortable with, say the missionary position, but you can change to the woman on top to make it interesting. Learn about various positions and integrate them into your sexual activity.

- Controlling the breathing

You are not running a marathon. You need to be calm and control your breathing. Breathing fast increases the heart rate, which in turn sends more and more blood to the penis. As the heart rate continues to rise, you will orgasm quickly. On the other hand, control your breathing to last longer.

- Masturbating and taking a break

If you know you are going to have sex in a few hours time, you could masturbate before hand. This will help desensitize the penis during actual intercourse, thus increasing the time taken for you to orgasm. You could also think about pulling out the penis out of the vagina at the time when you think you are going to ejaculate. Once you pull it out, you need to firmly grasp the penile shaft. This will help delay your ejaculation.

Importance of an orgasm in a couple’s life

Men and women who experience an orgasm at the end of sexual intercourse feel complete. They feel satisfied not only about the sexual intercourse that they have just had but their relationship in general. Many women do not orgasm as a result of penile thrusts. Their sex partner in such cases must make certain that they orgasm through oral stimulation or the use of vibrators. The inability to have an orgasm at the end of sexual intercourse has broken many a relationship. Also the ability to have an orgasm on a consistent basis has strengthened many relationships.
Female Sex Drive
Author of this article provides information on sexual health of men and women and what this once can do to make sex life more interesting.

A GREAT SEX LIFE is more than fun--it's also good for your health. "Sexually active people tend to live longer and have a lower incidence of heart disease. According research, hormones and brain chemicals released during orgasm help manage acute and chronic pain. Other studies show that sex can fight depression and weight gain, and support the immune system.

So how does yoga help? By making you stronger, more flexible, and more confident in and out of bed. In short, the more time you spend on the mat, the more steamy your time in the bedroom, "Yoga helps you open your body and tap into your core strength and sexual energy,". Yogis believe sexuality is stored in the hips and pelvis;
Beyond increasing sexual pleasure, Yoga poses build strength and stamina. Additionally, yoga teaches self-acceptance--and if you love your body, you may feel more comfortable being naked and less inhibited during sex. "Feeling at ease with your body is sexy.

By practicing yoga with your lover, you can both enjoy the benefits--and grow closer in the process. "Couple's yoga is like foreplay: You're breathing, sweating, and moving together," And when the sheets are untangled, the fruits of your practice can have a long-lasting outcome: "Without a doubt, I think doing yoga with your partner deepens your relationship". "It helps you connect on all levels--physical, mental, and spiritual."

While some yogis practice abstinence as part of their yoga, many yogic lineages are tantric. Tantric principles acknowledge the body as divine, and integral part of your spirituality, and all bodily functions are acknowledged and respected, not hidden.
Sex is a natural expression of love, and of energy, and there are many people in Western Society who have a variety of issues around sex. Generally, if people have a low sex drive or low sexual control, self-esteem is affected. People with a healthy, active sex life are shown to have healthier hearts and reproductive organs, lower instances of psychological problems, and there are many physical benefits! Yoga can help increase sexual vitality and control.

There is nothing wrong with sex - it is healthy, and can be physically satisfying, fun, and transformational if used to attain different levels of consciousness. The moment of orgasm can be a state of altered consciousness, and it lasts to short a time for most people - what if you could maintain that state for longer periods of time? How would this affect your romantic partnerships as well? A healthy, active sex life can make your body healthier, your mind happier and more clear, and your interactions with others more joyous.

I feel that there is no shame in our bodies - and the first step towards a healthy sex life is to love your own body, and be comfortable with your entire body. Find a partner who you can trust and understands this, and explore each other's bodies - if you are shy about having your partner touch part of your body, for example, the anus, then practice touching there, in a safe and loving setting, using massage and softness to help each other accept the body in its entirety.

Second step - open mind. Don't judge what you like or dislike - what turns you on or off. Just learn it about yourself. You don't need to act on every fantasy or every erotic thought - just know what has a sexually arousing effect on you, and let go of shame or judgment. You may not need to take a pill to help with this! You can increase sexual energy using yoga!

Consider letting your partner watch you do your routine sometimes. It'll keep your practice from getting boring and it will peak their interest in doing yoga, (and in doing other things!) This can be especially enticing if it's done with the understanding that it's 'look but don't touch!' But, hey, if it does end up there, yoga teaches us to also 'go with the flow'!

Don't worry about how your body looks. We all have lumps and bumps where we wish there weren't any, and we're all missing curves and lumps where we wish there were some! Your partner is not going to care! They'll love the chance to enjoy your workouts! They'll love that you're doing more and more to make your love life great!

If you're doing your yoga and start feeling unhappy about the way you look, simply notice the feeling, take a nice, slow breath in and go back to paying attention to the stretch and to your breathing.

How to Get the Most out of the Following Routine
•Notice how your body relaxes as you breathe out, which will allow you to stretch a little farther.
•Do not stretch so much that you feel burning or pain.

•If you feel like your body has hit a concrete wall, then you're at your limit. When you get to that point, simply breathe and feel your body relaxing for a couple more breaths, then let the posture go.

•Relax completely in between repetitions, feeling your muscles letting go of the stretch, feeling them relaxing. The full routine will take about an hour.

The vast majority of men and women are, through sexual relations, losing the very thing he or she needs most to find real, lasting satisfaction.
There is a vital life-current activating force or essence in the vital fluids that can be of tremendous benefit to the glands and nervous system if these fluids are conserved and reabsorbed through the process of Tantra and transmutation. Conservation makes it much easier to be content with very little and results in much greater sensitivity to those things that bring joy, inspiration and happiness. What normally would bring little pleasure creates a lot of pleasure, as long as one's precious sexual fluids are maintained and not lost.

The breathing excersises and meditation practices that I will be writing about require sexual energy to be effective and benefical, and at the same time, is needed for transmutaion. Successful control of the senses requires strict control of the mind gained through long periods of concentration in the third eye and inner sounds through meditation.
Depending on how one uses this information, one can free oneself more and more from the need of physical sex to find a superior and long lasting fulfillment through conservation and transmutation. Why go for the temporary excitement of sensual pleasure (loss of vital fluids) if it is possible to enjoy long periods of bliss, joy and experiences of profound spiritual inspiration, oneness or wholeness? Perfect, uninterrupted celibacy,

if skillfully managed, can also mean a lifetime of uninterrupted joy, bliss, vitality, virility, better health, inner strength, greater memory and wondrous mental powers enchantment inevitably leading to some very high states of conscious realization. In this lifestyle, temporary thrills are sacrificed for constant joy.

Yoga Meditation Breathing for Better Sexuality:-

This is a basic meditation that will help your ability to simply sit and notice feelings without doing anything about them. With practice, you will be more able to sustain your sexual energy during love making and will be more able to build your sexual desire during a session. As a result, you will have more rich experiences - and stronger orgasms.

Where & When to Do This:-

Any time, anywhere you have a moment.
Best place is in a quiet spot where you'll be undisturbed for 5 - 20 minutes.
Best time is in the morning - but any time is good.
The Meditation Techniques
•Sitting comfortably or lying down.
•Be in a position where your body will feel least inclined to move.
•If you're lying down, have your arms by your sides with a little space between your body and your arms.
•If you're sitting, your arms can be resting loosely in your lap, elbows slighltly open.
•Have your face & chin pointing forward, so that your air passages are fully open.
•Eyes are open and relaxed, not looking at anything in particular.

Once you are settled into place, all you need to do is pay attention to your breath as it comes and goes.

As you breathe in, hear the air rushing into your head, feel your body opening up. As you breathe out, follow the breath out into the room. Do this for however long you have. 3 - 5 minutes is a good start. If you become comfortable with 3 - 5 minutes, increase the duration 1 minute at a time.

During this meditation, it's very common for people to have feelings and thoughts come up.
You might notice a flood of emotions start to rise up, or your mind might start to race. Many people start to feel slightly irritated with the exercise, or they start to feel 'ant-sy'.
This is OK and is a sign that the meditation is going normally and is working. It shows that your mind is starting to relax, and as it is relaxing you are starting to let go of thoughts and feelings that you have been keeping 'a lid on'.


The remedy for this is to simply notice the thoughts and feelings and let them go by breathing in and out. Draw a slow breath in, noticing the air flow in, noticing how your body opens up - and you'll refocus and be back into the meditation. If you can continue, you will eventually find that these feelings subside and you reach a deeper state of meditation. The benefit to your life is that it makes you very patient and trains you to enjoy the moment.

With Your Partner:-

There are some wonderful variations on this meditation if you want to do it with your partner. With any of these, you may sometimes find your breathing ends up being synchronized. If you are aware of your energy bodies, you might also notice that these exercises start synchronizing your energy bodies, so that the rhythms, flow and colours begin to be in harmony with each other. When that happens, it's very beautiful.
Here are three variations of this meditation that are lovely to do with your partner:
1. Simply practice together, in the same room, each of you paying attention to your own breathing.


2. Sitting, facing each other, do the meditation by paying attention to your partner's breathing. You may find it hard to keep your attention on your partner's breath. If your mind wanders, that's OK, just bring your attention back to the exercise.
3. Both of you lie down, facing the same direction, one partner snuggled up behind the other. Decide ahead of time how long you will do the meditation and if it is or is not allowed to go farther into sexual exploration. Decide ahead of time if you will be paying attention to your own breathing or to your partners', or if you're going to start with yourself and later shift to noticing your partner's breath. Then simply notice the breath as it comes and goes, the movement of your bodies, the sounds, the feel of the breath on your skin.

There is a girl at school that I have known for a couple of years and over this year I have got to know her better. We are friends but certainly not close friends. I sit next to her in one of my classes and I was invited to her 18th birthday. Over the last few weeks I have seen her in a different light and have realised how wonderful she really is.

For the last few days I have literally not been able to stop thinking about her and at times I actually feel ill wondering about her. I know that she is not in a relationship at the moment and has not been for some time, I would really like to tell her how I feel but I am not the most outgoing person and I have no idea if she is interested in me. And to make things more complicated we only have a few more weeks of school left and next year is university! Have you got any suggestions for me?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Hi everyone...I'm new, and I'm hoping that you guys can help me answer some questions!

I have been in a serious, long term relationship for the past 5 years. We have had our problems and have broken up once before (and I admit, it was my fault the first time because I was too controlling around him), but shortly after reconnected and have ever since been working on repairing our relationship.

While we have had some problems, for the most part, things have been really good this time around. He would tell me how happy he is that I'm trying so hard for him, and how he wants more than anything for "us" to work. However, I have noticed that for awhile, once in awhile he would get very negative and cold towards me. He would say hurtful things to me and threaten to break up with me, even if we had a small problem that wasn't even serious.

Almost four weeks ago, we were having a great time, and he was telling me how happy he was, how much he loves me, and how he thinks things are going to work this time. Just three days later, his mood changed entirely, with him once again yelling at me and telling me that he never loved me and lately just "doesn't feel anything" anymore. He said he is the type of person that needs to be alone. When I asked him to explain, he couldn't. Regardless, he left with a huge headache, and broke up with me a few days later over the phone, giving me no explanation and then literally hanging up on me.

I tried contacting him a week later, but he answered angrily and bitterly, saying that I'm wasting his time and holding to the fact that he doesn't care. He treated me like I was his enemy, not his GF of 5 years who has always been there for him. He is acting like all his problems/anxieties/stress is derived from our relationship, when in reality, he is dealing with a lot of stress of from new job position, family trouble (schizophrenic sister has become increasingly violent), and he constantly thinks that he is judged for being socially uncomfortable.

I hate to think that our relationship is going to end like this, but it's been almost a month now and he remains just as angry. I want to be there for him, but I can't contact him because he thinks that I'm suffocating/manipulating him. My friends/family suggest that I wait for about 6 months before any contact...and tell me that in that time, he may have time to think things over and realize that he does care.

Is this a good idea? Knowing him, I don't think he'll ever come around by himself...so what can I do? Is leaving him alone for awhile or until he comes around the best thing for him?

Btw, I brought up possible depression and read stories to him, and while he says it sounds "a little" like him, he says that he doesn't have a problem and refuses to go for any help. He says I'm the problem and nothing else. I'm the only one who has seen this side of him...he acts fine around everyone else. Is it possible that I truly am the cause of his depression and unhappiness, as he says?

Please help! I'd really appreciate it!

First, I'd like to thank all who contribute to this footprints board, especially Betsy as you put a lot of work into helping and comforting others. Very often we use only forums like this to get through our own crisis. This site has helped me a lot since being (initially) diagnosed yesterday.

I'm a 32 year old guy and I recently ended a long term relationship. Soon afterwards, I met a woman in a different city and we had an instant attraction to one another. We used condoms in our sex, but several days later, I noticed 2 blisters near the base of my penis, where it wasn't covered by the condom. I hoped they were ingrown hairs, but it didn't look like they were healing and looked a lot like pictures on herpes websites, and now they were seeping.


I got to a doctor as soon as I could and its her opinion (at least before the tests come back) that its herpes. That same morning, before going to the doctor's office, in fact, several more smaller blisters appeared around the existing ones.

She put me on immediate 800mg dosages of Acyclovir to try to limit the extent of the first OB. It seems to be helping a little. At least the little blisters haven't popped, some have receded, and the existing ones are covering up. I expect the test results back in the next couple of days, but again, its a fairly serious outbreak and I want to be realistic about this.

Like everyone else, I feel many of the same intial emotions of shame, guilt, and ask the "what if's" over and over. However, I don't feel angry towards the woman, we're still friends, and I've notified her about what I've found so she can get checked.

My question is about future relationships. I know I have a lot of personal adjustment to do first before considering a relationship and I've read the Gun Shy thread, but I still can't help but wonder about how its possible that women won't be turned off by me when I share with them my condition?

Can anyone, particularly men, on this site share their personal experiences as they tried to enter new relationships?

(I hope that doesn't sound biased or bigoted - we're all on the same team here. It just seems like, because guys often have to pursue the women that there is a lot of competition out there and I can't imagine a woman taking the chance. I know this reveals a lot of my insecurities, but that's part of the process I'm sure.)

PS - Thanks for letting me air this. It is therapeutic in and of itself just to be able to talk about it...

You are still very young and I would suggest that you just take time out for yourself as need some time to get over the breakup and to find yourself as been with him 10yrs why would you want rush into relationship.

Hang out with pals, make new pals, do the stuff you used to enjoy doing but never did for ages, get comfortable been in your own company before you get into a rebound relationship. If you dating this guy, whom u love, stick to him, even if he bullies you

Yes you can find love but to be honest you may never experience that same kind of closeness as the love you had with him but you will fall in love and meet a special guy one day but it will be different and it may take a few mistakes along the way but that is part of life. Don't think about it too much now and just have some time out for yourself and in time you will meet someone when you are least expecting it. Wish you well and you will know when you meet that special person as it will just happen.

After hearing from some guys here losing their jobs I thought I might share some positive news happening in my life.

I had a good/bad start into 2009 - depending on your point of view.
My relationship with Tanja was crumbling since August '08. The only things that probably held us together were the fact that we had a vacation booked (non-refundable) that we both wanted to enjoy. And we were also living together.
After she found a new place to stay in early December (she could move in in January) we broke up while being on said vacation in Amsterdam.
It wasn't a horrbile breakup. We both were unhappy with the situation and I guess it was just time to let go. TBH I am happy about the breakup. We didn't match and there was no love or passion in the relationship.
So we broke up on Dec 27th, and she moved out on January 1st.

After the breakup I wanted to get rid of my baggage.
Incidentally a girl I've met half a year ago also broke up from her boyfriend. He just never answered her phone calls or emails. Quite a sucky way to end a 1,5+ year relationship. So we both wanted some distraction.
We met, and the chemistry was pretty fine. The day after she left I realized that I have a crush on her, but was scared to admit to her because I wasn't sure how she was feeling. Considering she just went through a breakup too I wasn't too positive about reaction.
BUT!
After some chatting we met again and the chemistry is just right. We get along very well and our personalities match.
I find it funny that I am now dating her. We initially met for a physical thing and now we have a relationship.
That's actually very cool because I probably wouldn't have thought about dating her in the first place for a number of reasons:
1) She lives 130 miles away from me. I didn't want another long-distance relationship.
2) She's 27 and got her MA. I am 21 and wouldn't have thought that she's within my range. She usually dates guys 30+.

So by not thinking about it, I gave her a chance.
And it works very very well so far.
I could go on and on about how cute she is.

So: I have a new relationship. I'm happy!

--------------------
Everything I say espressis onley my own op1ni0n, and shall not reprisent the openion of othar Austrians.
Pizza and ginormous jugs is what I need!

Whoever finds typos or spelling mistakes in my posts may keep them.

Do parents generally know what kind of sexual behavior their kids are involved in?

Most of the time it turns out that parents already suspect if their kids are sexually active. Parents notice things. They notice stains on underwear, for example. But a lot of parents don't know how to raise the subject. The best time to talk about when it's right to have sex, I think, is when a child is in the early teen years. Pre-teens think sex is yucky. Some kids start having sex in their mid-teen years. If parents haven't given their children guidance by then, it may be too late to impact behavior.

Personally, I think parents need to send two clear messages to their kids. First, they need to tell them when, in their opinion, it's appropriate for a young person to have sex. Second, if their teenager does decide to have sex, I think it's vital that parents express how important it is to protect themselves, and their partners, from pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, and emotional hurt.

But some parents are just very uncomfortable talking with their kids about sexuality. I had a mother bring her daughter in for a physical exam. As I was going into the room to see her daughter she handed me a note that said, "Please get Mary on the pill."

Lovemaking Positions Gone Wild: Secret Foreplay For MEN ONLY
Am I hot? If I was inclined to women wrestling would the crowd cheer for me?

"Take it off!"

Would the crowd pant and moan to see me naked?

My what a thought! See where imagination can take you? Right or wrong most men would love to get that wild woman in their lover back again. That is providing she was ever there of course.

So men, how do you get your lady to feel the wild side, be open to new lovemaking positions and maybe be like topless women at Hooters, or at least how you imagine they are late at night with their lover?


Foreplay doesn't start with touching. No touching of the merchandise because she wants to be treated at if she is desirable to you because she is sexy. She wants to hear those words. She wants to know that she is still hot. Make her feel like she is hot and desirable and ya know what? She will be.

So how do you do that?

You tell her. You tell her ALL the time.

Do you remember the excitement you felt as you tried to learn how to have sex for the first time? You were curious about every crevice and every breath your potential lover took. If you want your lady to act sexy tell her she is. Tell her you love her body, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! If YOU make her feel sexy and desirable she will be! It all starts with words.

Be inventive with words, don't just keep saying, "You are hot, you are sexy" Work on your sexy vocabulary! Find that man that might be missing in you as well.

The crowd at the mud wrestling place may not cheer for your lady to take it off, but you should... slowly and continually.

Build up the same anticipation and excitement of a first date. Don't touch her in erotic zones at all, just come very close to it, tease her, and she will be screaming for it later. Trust me, I am a woman.

Please note: although no board code and smiley buttons are shown, they are still usable.

It's been available in Sanskrit for 1,700 years and it's 129 years since Sir Richard Burton blackened his name by translating it into English. Although many generations of grateful schoolboys went on to read it in the dark, it was not until the 1960s that the Kamasutra became the sort of book you could leave on your coffee table. But even then, it was more of a fashion statement than a sacred text. The pictures of the odd, almost impossible sexual positions were of greater interest than Vatsyayana's high-minded instructions. We in the west had a lot of unlearning to do before we could stop sniggering, and, like Vatsyayana's Virgin Bride, we were not to be rushed.

But we're all grown-ups now, aren't we? That's what Oxford World's Classics is hoping, anyway. Next week it is bringing out the "first ever accurate English" version of the "most famous book on sex ever published". The new translation is by Wendy Doniger, a historian of religions at the University of Chicago, and Sudhir Kakar, a psychoanalyst. They have worked hard to be faithful to the "original tone" of the book and to use "clear, vivid, sexually frank English". Theirs is a serious scholarly enterprise.

Sadly, Burton's version was not. His Victorian and orientalist pruderies got the better of him. He prettified the prose and exoticised the acts he described by referring to the male and female organs as the lingam and the yoni. These are Sanskrit words but the latter does not appear in the original, and Vatsyayana uses the former infrequently, preferring the unisex term jaghana, which can be translated as pelvis, genitals or "between the legs". Burton's translation of the word for homosexuals was "eunuch" and wherever there were women's voices, he muffled them. So when the original suggested that a woman slapped too hard might cry out: "Stop!", "Let go!" and "Enough!" Burton said: "When the woman is not accustomed to striking, she continually utters words expressive of prohibition, sufficiency or desire of liberation."

Liberated as we now are from his moralistic mistranslations, we can appreciate the text as historical document, and ponder its curious injunctions with wry scholarly smiles. Did you know that fellatio is best practised not with wives but with those of the "third nature" - Vatsyayana's expression for homosexuality? Or that sex with someone else's wife is only right if you are sure you would die unless you have her? Were you aware that the ideal lover bathes daily and every four days has his beard and moustache trimmed into three points? The Kamasutra is not a sex manual, and not just a book of sexual etiquette. It's an attempt to civilise, to dignify sex - to acknowledge the importance of pleasure while preaching the virtue of restraint.

Or, as Tony might say, balancing rights and responsibilities. Learning how to have fun with people you really like, in the context of a stable relationship. Developing your confidence. Honing your emotional literacy skills. In extremis, having the courage to say: "Stop! Let go! Enough!" It is not too far-fetched to see the caring, sharing, relationship-stressing sex education programmes now on offer in most of the nation's schools as owing everything to the Kamasutra. If nothing else, this theory gives me faith in human nature. It suggests that not all of us who grew up in the 60s and 70s read the Kamasutra solely for the smut.

But if my Monday-morning visit to my local Waterstone's is anything to go by, the battle for sexual enlightenment is not yet won. You should have seen the looks when I asked for "the new Kamasutra" in a normal voice. The pale, almost gasping assistant waved me in the direction of the shelf marked "Health". What possessed them to classify the art of life with depression and herbal medicine? After I had found a handsome, coffee-table Kamasutra but not the tasteful, academic edition I wanted, the assistant redirected me to the shelf marked "Sex".

Here, among the manuals offering to teach me how to come fast and faster, I found a floral tribute called Kama Sutra for Women along with a hardboiled pocket edition on KS Technique. But still no trace of the highbrow classic. "It's the new translation I'm after," I explained. "The Oxford World's Classic." I hoped this would reassure the mother behind me. "Let's try again," the assistant said. "It's one word - Kamasutra," I said. The mother scooped up her toddler and rushed off. But now at last I was vindicated. The assistant had found the title in the system. "It arrived three days ago. But it could be anywhere. It's so hard to know where it belongs."

So that's the point we've reached. Forty years of raging sexual revolution and we still can't figure it out. We can talk and talk about the mind-body problem and the importance of seeing the two as one, but we continue to stock them on separate shelves. We say we wish we could see sex as part of life, but when we act on this wish in a bookstore, we also wish for a brown paper bag. The prospect of sex-as-noble-enterprise is still so terrifying that we can't even talk about it unless we label it "Other" and view it from the safe side of the east-west divide.